R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
