I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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