AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
