I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
