If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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