True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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