turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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