Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Dick very happy bro
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
