the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
