Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
