What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
