I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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