tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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