You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
