the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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