Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
