Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
