new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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