I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
