Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
