My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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