Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
