I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
