I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
