Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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