Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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