Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
