remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
