george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
