Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
