Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
