The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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