Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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