How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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