just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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