I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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