I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
