I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
