New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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