I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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