Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
