Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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