My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We need a shit load of segways right now
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
