is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
