cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He told me they were just razor bumps!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
