He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
