i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I need to align my fucking chakras
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
