two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
