we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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