I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she told me i tasted like america
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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