I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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