my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
